Holy the Firm

I read this book last year in a class called "Violence and Grace in the Novel". The class was centered on how God uses violence to bestow grace upon us in our time of need. C.S. Lewis once wrote, "violence is God's megaphone". Holy the Firm by Annie Dillard is a book wracked with violence and filled with a woman crying "why?".



“I know only enough of God to want to worship him, by any means ready to hand. There is an anomalous specificity to all our experience in space, a scandal of particularity, by which God burgeons up or showers down into the shabbiest of occasions, and leaves his creation’s dealings with him in the hands of purblind and clumsy amateurs. This is all we are and all we ever were; God kann nicht anders. This process in time is history; in space, at such shocking random, it is mystery.

A blur of romance clings to our notions of “publicans,” “sinners,” “the poor,” “the people in the marketplace,” “our neighbors,” “as though of course God should reveal himself, if at all, to these simple people, these Sunday school watercolor figures, who are so purely themselves in their tattered robes, who are single in themselves, while we now are various, complex and full at heart. We are busy. So, I see now, were they. Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? There is no one but us. There is no one to send, nor a clean hand, nor a pure heart on the face of the earth, nor in the earth, but only us, a generation comforting ourselves with the notion that we have come at an awkward time, that our innocent fathers are all dead- as if innocence had every been- and our children busy and troubled, and we ourselves unfit, not yet ready, having each of us chosen wrongly, made a false start, failed, yielded to impulse and the tangled comfort of pleasures, and grown exhausted, unable to seek the thread, weak, and involved. But there is no one but us. There never has been. There have been generations which remembered, and generations which forgot; there has never been a generation of whole men and women who lived well for even one day. Yet some have imagined well, with honesty and art, the detail of such a life, and have described it with such grace, that we mistake vision for history, dream for description, and fancy that life has devolved. So. You learn this studying any history at all, especially the lives of artists and visionaries; you learn it from Emerson, who noticed that the meanness of our day itself worth our thought; and you learn it, fitful in your pew, at church”

–Annie Dillard Holy the Firm

Change

I can't believe I am blogging on two consecutive days! It must be a record for me. I just wanted to put one thought out there. As I make the transition from Paris to Grand Rapids, Michigan, I'm constantly thinking, how can I keep this fire for life alive? It seems to me that I crave change and transition. Any time I experience a big change of scenery in my life, I whole-heartedly embrace it. I think the big changes started when I transferred high schools from Grand Rapids Baptist High School (now Northpointe) to Northview High School. I relished the changes. I loved the new scenery, new friends, new classes, new teachers, and a new tennis team. I loved that I could re-make myself. And then I hit college and I was so excited to change again. High school was getting boring. I moved to Chicago and nestled right in to city life. I loved Chicago with the hustle and bustle, I loved the dorm life with something new happening every week. I loved the classes, finally going deeper in my faith.

I then craved to get out of freshman year and be a camp counselor for the summer. Although I was super excited to be "roughing it" for a whole summer, it didn't take long for me to HATE it. It wasn't the change that I didn't like, it was the atmosphere, the heavy dark overcoat that the devil put over me. Some relationships were too hard to handle, and there were many theological questions I had in regards to the camp. So I started craving change again. I didn't try to just deal, I wanted to bail.

This time, it was a huge change. I would be moving to Belfast, Northern Ireland for a semester abroad! I was so excited and made the most of my time in "Norn Iron" where the green leprechauns roam and the say "cheers!" and "dodgy". I even spent some time traveling other places such as Bristol, England, and Barcelona, Spain. But yet again, I started craving change. Once it started getting hard, I was ready to bail. When I felt lonely or lost, I just dreamed of coming home. When the accent was too hard to understand or when I just wanted to hear someone pronounce the sound "ou" the RIGHT way, I would just think, "ok, only x-days left until I come home!".

And of course, scenery changed yet again. I went home for Christmas, and then started another semester at Moody in Chicago. At the risk of making this post way too long, I won't type out all of the changes in my life up until now, but as you can see, there is a pattern. I would crave change, get the change, relish the change, get bored, crave change again...etc. And now I sit here in my room on the outskirts of Paris, France after a 6-week internship at the tail end of my 4-years of college. I have gone from High School to college, to camp, to Ireland, back to Chicago, to a double room, to a single room, to a Jenkins apartment, to a single room, to a double room, to graduation, to choir tour of UK, to 6-weeks in Paris, to NOW. Ive gone from wanting to be a missionary in Sudan, to being a social worker in Uganda, to being a midwife in the Philippines, to being a nurse in Sudan, to being a librarian in Thailand, to being a church planter in Europe, to being an English teacher in Korea, to being a missionary in Paris, to being a refugee placement worker in Grand Rapids.

I change hairstyles, hair colors, hand writing, room arrangement, geography, friends, crushes, political ideologies, career goals. And now I crave change yet again. After thinking about my predicament, I need to be still. I need to stop thinking about my life. I need to stop thinking I need to change, re-make myself, re-direct myself, better myself. I need to be still and know that He is GOD.

The two constants in my life have been God and Family. I think I must go seek God and relish family for this time.

I leave Paris in two days and I AM relishing this change, but I hope that I can look back and see how God has directed me, molded me, not of my own doing or my own restlessness, but by HIS sovereignty to direct my paths. I now seek for ultimate and continued fulfillment in my Creator and for ultimate contentment wherever he places me.

Baba Papa, Mont Blanc, Eiffel Tower, and Last Thoughts

This past friday, my host parents and their two sweet grand kids and I went into Paris for a fun drive around. We stopped at the Tuileries (The gardens right outside the Louvre) and there was a fun carnival going on. My host dad (Christian) bought us all cotton candy. My host mom (Rose-Marie) is English and she calls it "Candy Floss", the French call is "Baba Papa" (Papa's Beard) ew! and I (American) call it "Cotton Candy". I think the Americans won on this one. I don't really want to be thinking of eating "papa's beard" when I eat the stuff and it has nothing to do with flossing you teeth! ...although I should after I eat it! Here's a pic of Gillian, Benjamin, and I at the carnival.



Last weekend I was invited by a woman from the church I am going to to go to her family Chalet in the French Alps! It was so amazing to see a different part of France. The Alps are absolutely gorgeous! It was a great weekend to get away and relax. I had some great conversations with the family (who are not Christians) and had some good time with the Lord. There is something different about doing your devotions on a mountain on a bridge over a waterfall. :)





This picture is from a couple weeks ago, I finally got up close and personal with the Eiffel Tower! Its a lot bigger than I expected!



I am finished with French classes and on Thursday I come home! My time in France has been good. It has had many ups and downs and different experiences. I have learned a lot over these past 6 weeks. I have learned a lot about the French people and about real ministry. Ministry is hard. Especially in Europe. Europe is dark and closed. It is not for the faint of heart.

We Battle Not Against Flesh and Blood

Today I realized that people aren't always going to like you. And people aren't always going to think that what you want to do with your life is worth doing. Coming from a home and a school where everyone thought that what I have chosen as my life's desire was courageous, I was not prepared to get outside of the bubble and realize that the world doesn't want Christians to make a difference. The world doesn't want those "intolerant" "presumptuous" people trying to change other's beliefs. But the way I see it, I know the truth and not only did it change my life, but it set me free. I live with a purpose and I have true fulfillment and freedom in Christ and that is what I want to tell the world about. When I try to see it from their point of view, I can understand. In their eyes, I think something is truth when it really is relative. In their eyes, I am just trying to push my agenda--an agenda that is not correct to the outside world. I just "want to convert them"

I knew there would be persecution but I didn't realize that it would be hard not to agree with those who persecute me. The battle is from without and within.

Seeing What God is Doing

So it has been a few weeks or so, I can't remember when I posted last on this thing. It seems like I can journal for days and even write on the computer long drawn out entries, but when it comes to blogging, I am suddenly blank. Maybe it is because I think people will judge me on my grammar. Or maybe I think I'm not quirky or cool enough to write a trendy blog. well, the people who read this want to know what is going on in my life, so I shall just ramble.


I finally saw the Eiffel Tower today. Some cool kids from Moody who are doing the Europe Study Abroad program with Moody came by Paris on their week off. It was great to see Nick Parish again and meet two new people, Tara Fairty and Matt Knapp. They are all so awesome! They have been traveling all over Europe, taking classes from different Moody professors, visiting great historic sites. I definitely wish I could have done that! I guess studying abroad in Belfast was pretty cool, and hanging out in Paris for the summer is also pretty cool, so I will just marvel in the blessings God has given us all. :)I took them up the Champs Elysse to the Arc de Triumphe and we walked to the Eiffel Tower and actually ran into another group of Moodies! We then went to dinner by the Hotel Des Invalides. The food was great and the time with friends was even better!

As for the daily happenings, I am plugging along in French. These classes are so packed full of information and great useful things, but I am just not liking the mornings! I have to get up at 6:30am every morning and leave for the train at 7:15, take an hour and 15min train ride and then walk to class. Its kind of a hassle, but I should NOT complain! If you know me at all, I am NOT a morning person. I am definitely far from it. I could sleep all day. But God has given me this great opportunity to learn French and I cannot take it for granted.

Today I met with a lovely lady from South Africa. Her and her husband are missionaries here in Paris. Her husband is the field leader of France for OM and she works in the Muslim community, teaching French literacy classes to Muslim women. I was struck by what a great opportunity her and her team have with these women! All of the women she teaches are immigrants who speak little to no French. The women are from Sri Lanka, Iraq, Nepal, Sudan, everywhere! And God has specifically molded her, as a foreigner, to reach out to these women. It is amazing what God is doing. It really got me thinking. There are some great opportunities here.

Recently I have had to really sit and think about what I am doing here and where I am headed. It's amazing what tricks Satan can play in your mind. I must lean on God for every breath I breathe or life will come crumbling down.

I go home in 2 weeks! My how time has flown!